Rambling Raccoondog

Making big decisions

Perhaps, I do suck at making big decisions. Ahah.

I’m feeling very much confused again, regarding certain things. No, not work. Also, no, I am positive it has little to absolutely nothing to do with what happened earlier. I think.

It’s prolly more of what happened the other day, and I just gave it a serious thought, just now.

Hah, honestly, what am I doing?

Am I—- doing something that I said I’d never do to someone, because I know it will definitely hurt?

Maa.

Lol.

I am sleep deprived, yet again, which means I’m hyper. Haha. I should go (back? yeah, right, like I was doing it) to work after this, or at least to something more productive. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting more time now, do I?

Anyway, P~chan’s kinda funny. See, he has this habit of, somewhat scolding me, or wanting me to do something (because it’s better for me?), but as soon as I agree/compromise/show any sign that I took what he said into consideration, he’ll go take it back and say, “okay, whatever, just do what you want.” and well, let me do what I want.

Like now, for instance. I said I’m going to work on my freelance stuff in a bit, but then he suggested I should sleep first. So I said, “I’ll just get a bit of work done then I’ll go to sleep, okay? Promise~” But right after I said that he suddenly did that thing he does again, saying, “Well, whatever. Do what you want.”

Usually it annoys me, because I get this feeling that he shouldn’t be like that because I actually listened to him. That’s not the usual reaction you get from someone you just listened to, right? Although, now, I think I get it. I think, he basically doesn’t want to impose, because he thinks he is not/no longer in the position where he could tell me what to do. A good number of people would probably think that’s a weird reaction, but, he is rather different than most people I know.

Then again, maybe that’s just me. Haha.

But, ahh, he really is too conscious sometimes. I just hope he realizes that when I actually listen, he shouldn’t worry about imposing, or, whatever it is that makes him withdraw. It’s not like it automatically has to mean something.

I hate feeling this way. I feel - jealous. Annoyed. Frustrated. Depressed. Insecure. It really sucks the life out of you.

I think, I’m the kind of person that believes easily. I don’t easily trust people, but, when it comes to serious things, personal things, if you tell me you’re going to do something, I’d believe you.

There’s a story behind that. maybe two. but, I’m too lazy to elaborate right now.

Musing.

I like being weird. I guess you can say I’m kind of proud of it. But sometimes, I wonder if someone will really like me despite my being weird. I’ve always thought of it as an asset of sorts, haha, but, maybe I’m the only one thinking that?

Haa, anyway, I guess I wouldn’t want anyone liking me for being “a regular girl,” would I? Haha. I think I lost my coherence regarding this topic. Ah, well.

I’m not sure but, it would seem that I’m—- looking for some kind of connection with someone. I’m not sure what kind, but I think, a deeper one from what I have with people right now. It’s not that I’m not happy with my friends or anything, or that I want to be in a relationship, I think. It’s —- ahh, it’s kind of hard for me to explain. I’m not very good with words to begin with. Haha.

Hm. Ah, well.

Stuck.

Ah, clearly. I need to get out of this hole that I’ve managed to get myself in, and soon, now. It’s only getting deeper, and the longer I stay here, the harder it will become for me to get out.

Ahh, what am I doing with my life? I’ve done nothing but whine about it, be unhappy about it, but I guess nothing to really work on it. I’ll say I don’t know how, but even if that’s true, that can’t be an excuse. It doesn’t help that I feel so envious of other people’s lives right now. Not those who I know personally, but those who I read, watch, and hear. Aa, what am I doing? As I type this post, I am not doing anything but whine yet again. Haa. I feel so lost, a mixed feeling of depression and frustration is stirring up from within.

Not to mimmick this show that I watched, but I guess, it’s true, the most important thing for me is my own smile, one that comes from within. However, I’m at a loss as to how do I achieve something like that. I try to think about it, and painting and my love for history/trivial things come to mind. When I think of a path that involves both, I guess the painter’s and/or curator’s path is the best way to go. Haa, but such dreams seem so hard to achieve.

I wonder if money is really a big matter for me? I’m starting to wonder about it a lot, if following my heart’s desires will be much easier if I had the money, if we had the money. Which should I aim for, dreams or money? I’m trying to find an option where there is both, but, ah, it seems so impossible right now. I feel so frustrated.

I watched this movie a few weeks ago, about four friends who had big dreams regarding their own crafts. In the end only one of them stuck with chasing his dream, the rest have decided to live life normally, meaning with jobs that isn’t their dream jobs, but enough to support them, and maybe even more. It seriously struck me. Which one will I be, I wonder?

An apology.

Ahh. I’m not sure if people I know will ever get to read this, but—-

I apologize. It would seem like I haven’t been taking care of myself at all lately, and despite the advices, I still went on with less regard for my health. I apologize, because I think this time, I really screwed up.

Earlier in the week, I practically spent 2-3 days with little or no sleep. When I, or rather my body decided to sleep early last night, I feel like I already have a cold. The next morning I woke up to sniffling and a sore throat.

The sore throat went away soon enough, the sniffling, still there. Like for the past few weeks, I felt a pang of hunger a few hours after I woke up, but I didn’t feel like eating again. Aside from a piece of hotdog, a cup of coffee, and a glass of orange juice, I have not eaten anything. When I started feeling like I do want to eat, I also started feeling nauseous. I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to ignore both and go for a bath first.

The moment I got to the bathroom however, I started throwing up. It wasn’t much, considering how I haven’t eaten anything for today. What alarmed me is the fact that I was able to throw something up. I’d spare you the details, I’m not sure if it means anything serious yet.

A friend who’s a nursing graduate is on her way here to check if it’s serious. Also, I’ve decided I’ll have it checked tomorrow, along with my delayed follow up check up regarding my irregular period. (Unfortunately I’ve let that slip too. I totally forgot about taking my meds for it, so now I’m afraid my period isn’t stopping again. Also, I’m supposed to go back to her every two months for monitoring.)

Ah, I will probably crosspost this to my other blog, maybe, and only maybe if this newfound predicament has really gotten serious. I think I at least owe people an apology.

Temptation

I was told, that the best way to deal with temptation is to succumb to it. I guess I believe that, but not in all situations.

So, should I succumb to it, the temptation to fall into depression? Or should I fight it?

But, it is most likely that, it’s not depression that I want to become of me right now. It’s apathy - just a way to clear my mind and restart.

Ah—-

It would seem that, I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. Maa, this could be a problem later on, couldn’t it? No worries, I already know what I should do anyway. Although, my will—-

Also, it could be the lack of sleep talking, but, it would seem that, I am not happy with my life right now. I wonder, how many people would actually notice even if I don’t tell them? Ahaha. Such thoughts. It’s making me feel shallower than I already do.

Maybe the whole letting myself go is a subconscious way of acting out?

Despite saying that, I know fully well that I should do something about this. Who else will, after all. Cheap thrills from fandoms and fiction helps you get through the day, but that simply won’t do. If not, it could actually make me feel worse in the end —- fiction or not, soon enough I’ll start envying how their lives seems a lot colorful than mine.

Ahh, I know it’s considered to be bad luck to be wishing for such things, but, I wonder if wishing for a more interesting life is really a bad thing.

Definitely, knowing what to do and doing it, are two different things. I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to do it. I seem to have lost my way.

I seem to have—- forgotten what’s the most important thing for me.

Alone.

You know how, sometimes, when you’re running away, you actually want someone to come after you? I think it’s because sometimes, it’s actually funner when you get caught.

Most of my friends are together at our usual hang out tonight. I was supposed to go too, but, something came up. Okay, in the end I just didn’t feel like going. I guess I feel bad missing out, but—- I think I’d rather be alone right now. I was talking to some friends last night and, well, something did come up. Something that - could not even be true, but—-

Nevertheless, it has made me feel bad enough to want to pull away from certain people for a while. It’s annoying really, having this kind of reaction towards something, I don’t know, trivial? Then again, maybe it was just a trigger. With the way I’ve been feeling lately, I guess I really need the time alone, or at least, some kind of friends filter.

Until then, I really want to figure out what’s wrong.

Conversations Over Pinky Swears

I may have found a new confidante in Eric. And vice versa, so it seems. Albeit a little emotional at times, conversations with him’s refreshing, in a I-get-to-say-all-these-things-and-I-feel-better-somehow kind of way. I wonder if I can tell him more than I think I’ll let myself.

- - -

He’s been messaging me again, lately. Ah, well, he’s prolly just bored and shit. Actually, I still sometimes wonder if I’m being too nice to him, acting like nothing happened after, well, what happened. You know, the whole sort-of-dating-then-suddenly-*poof!*-gone thing. But, meh, I guess I don’t really mind. I could use the, uh, coquetry. Right. Lol.

Speaking of which, The department where such things fall into have been troubling me more than it should recently. I have this nagging feeling that wants me to sort my feelings out ASAP, but that could really take a while. Not to mention it changes. Haa, this is all probably because of too much time in my hands, which, shouldn’t be the case, really. Between the freelancing, and the painting and the room cleaning and all, I shouldn’t really have this much spare time.